So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
