I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
