i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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