she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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