ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
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