im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
