I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
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