i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
