hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
