i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
love makes seman taste better
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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