I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
