Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
