You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize