omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
