sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize