She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
