sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
