it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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