I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I think I died a long time ago.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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