So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
