Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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