last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
