I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
