I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Text me some of your sweat
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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