shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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