meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Sext me about skeletons
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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