3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
