I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize