you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
