I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
