I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
