Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He shit in the fireplace
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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