"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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