i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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