im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
