so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
