So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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