her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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