who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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