i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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