I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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