are you so shy because you have an std?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
