I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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