but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
