did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
