A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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