She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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