You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He shit in the fireplace
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
