What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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