I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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