I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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