my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
All the doctor said was why
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
