I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
