I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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