I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
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