it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize