I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
True strength comes from lack of pants
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