god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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