I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
