Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
