When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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